You Will Not Fear
Things have been pretty quiet here on the blog, but only because I haven’t had the time or energy to write an update. Unfortunately, Brayden seems to be dealing with just about every complication and side effect possible with his treatments. It has been an intensely difficult few weeks since I last posted an update, but I wanted to update you all so you can join us in praying.
As many of you know, Brayden’s treatment protocol will last approximately 7-8 months. The protocol includes multiple phases, the second of which is the most difficult. This is the phase he’s been in since September 22. This phase includes lumbar punctures, chemo injections, oral chemo, and chemo infusions. I shared in the last update that he has also received many blood transfusions, which continued about every other day for another week.
On October 13, Brayden was not able to get his lumbar puncture due to residual pain in his back. They wanted to give him a break so he could be ready for the second half of this phase. Unfortunately, the pain suddenly increased in the middle of the night on the 18th, when we were woken by Brayden crying out in pain from his bed. We spent the day at the hospital trying to get answers and control his pain. The good news is they didn’t find anything concerning. The bad news is they didn’t find a reason for the pain. His doctors made a plan to extend his break from the lumbar punctures and treat with pain meds and time.
The second half of phase two began on October 22 and the nausea hit hard, along with a new symptom: pain in his arm near one of the IVs he had received in the hospital.
With the 2-day delay, Brayden’s treatments shifted to Thursday through Sunday. This past Sunday, he ended up getting really sick in the car on our way to SCCA. Frequently, he is so weak that I have to get a wheelchair for him, but he said he was okay that day. However, on our way to the lab, he collapsed to the floor of the elevator and I had to find someone to help get him into a wheelchair. His vitals were not good, so they quickly got him into a treatment room and started fluids and blood. He received his chemo injection and he was released as soon as he felt strong enough, but it was a long and exhausting day.
Over the past week, Brayden has been having a hard time eating and it was hard for him to keep anything down for a few days. The anti-nausea meds don’t work well enough to keep the nausea at bay, so they’ve been trying some alternatives that seem to be helping, but the nausea is a constant companion. He’s been much better over the past few days, praise God.
Just when we thought we’d have a few days to recoup for this week’s treatments, Brayden said the pain in his arm was getting worse yesterday. He called his team and we were back in the hospital, where he was diagnosed with a blood clot in his upper right arm/under arm area. It is a deep vein, so even though his blood is thinner than normal, he is now on a new treatment that will keep the clot from growing while his body absorbs it over the next 3-6 months.
Friends and family have been so faithful to send messages to see how Brayden and Amanda are doing. We are so thankful for the love and prayers! Many also ask how I’m doing and to be completely honest, I never quite know how to respond because this is SO hard. Rolling my son around in a wheelchair because he’s too weak to walk is hard. Watching him lose weight, be so sick, struggle in pain, and not be able to do anything he loves to do is hard. Trusting God to prevent the blood clot from dislodging is hard. Accepting the end of our daughter’s marriage, losing our son-in-law, and not knowing what is in the future for her and our granddaughter is hard. But none of it is as hard for me as what they’re actually going through, which is why my current state isn’t usually at the forefront of my responses.
So, I cry. A LOT. And sometimes I cry at the most inopportune times, such as in the middle of Costco when they don’t have the chemo pill prescription when they said it would be ready and I only had that particular 15 minutes on that particular day. Sometimes it all feels like too much; well, most of the time it feels like too much because it IS too much. I try to hold myself together most of the time, but it’s just self-preservation. If I acted how I felt all the time, I wouldn’t be able to function like I need to in order to take care of all the things.
I share this not for sympathy, but to let you all know that sometimes I’m just not up to telling everyone how I’m doing or I literally don’t have time to get into it. We want to be open with everyone when possible, though, so I hope you keep asking even when my answers are short!
One thing I always like to share on my posts is what God is teaching me. If I missed this, then I would wonder what purpose these trials have, since God’s Word tells us that suffering produces perseverance, character, and hope.
This week, God has really been impressing on me His presence in the midst of the hard. When I feel alone or like He is far from me because the hard threatens to be louder than His voice, I know He can handle my honesty because He already knows. A few verses have been helping me the past couple weeks:
Psalm 91:5-7
You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.
1 Peter 3:6b
And you are her (Sarah’s) children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.
Do not fear anything that is frightening! I literally laughed out loud when I read that verse. I love that God said some things WILL be scary but that we are still not to fear. Not fearing is easier said than done, especially right now when Covid is a real serious danger for our family. We’re trying to balance living by faith and being wise, but I’m especially fighting the fear.
Sixteen years ago, I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer. That year, the kids and I memorized Psalm 91 and it was posted all over our house. This year, I thought it would be great for our youngest kids to memorize it, since it had been such a big part of our other kids’ childhood and it seemed appropriate with Covid. Here’s the cool thing about this time… we started memorizing it three months prior to Brayden’s diagnosis and it was the first time since 2004. Isn’t God’s timing amazing?
I’ll close with some prayer requests. Thank you all for your faithful prayers for Brayden, Amanda, and the rest of our family. We are all eternally grateful! Please be praying for:
- Brayden’s nausea to be decreased
- No complications with the blood clot
- Continued protection against other sicknesses, especially Covid
- All to go well with our new grandbaby – Colby and Haley’s 2nd child is due on December 5
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15 Comments
Tanya Book
I can’t even imagine how hard this must be for you and the family. It’s often the Mom/Wife who has to be strong and hold the rest of the family up. My prayers are with you and your family. Keep slogging. You’ll get through it. P.S. You are a beautiful writer!
Stepherella
Thank you, Tanya! I really love writing and hope to write a book someday. 🙂 Thanks so much for the prayers!
Sarah
You all are in my thoughts and prayers so often. Your family and faith is an inspiration to me ❤️
Candy Norris
…..ask, & U shall receive…we don’t know when or how….patience is sooooo difficult…. Random thoughts after your very well-communicated specifics… I have & will continue to add my prayers for U Steph, & your wonderful Family.
I ask U, as Daurice would, to PLEASE take care of U! Reread what U have written sweetie, & imagine what would B …. if U became ill…. Close your eyes….BREATHE… & w/ the inhale, feel HiS Love & Strength fill U up… & as U exhale cleanse all of the worry/stress out of your body… making way for the Healing that IS coming….
Stepherella
Thank you, Candy! I did this as I was reading your comment and it felt really good! Hugs to you!
Shauna
Stephanie, thank you for the update and for the specific prayer requests I will send them up and onto the prayer group today. Your strength is simple amazing to me and all of us on the outside. God has created the perfect mother for Brayden and Amanda. He lifting you always, even in the breakdown moments at the Costco Pharmacy. God Bless and we are always here for you and your family. Even for a Costco Pharmacy pick up if you need it. Much Love, Lopez Family
Anthony
Thank you for the update. Love you guys so much!
God is good!
Just wish you didn’t have to walk through this valley!
So often God’s comfort doesn’t seem to be enough.
I’ll be praying that God will continue to give you strength and faith amidst the tears.
Holly Norquist
Wow. Thank you for the update and details to help me pray more specifically. We continue to pray daily for your sweet family and Brayden’s complete healing!! You are an inspiration to so many, Stephanie, as you focus on who God is and the strength and loving care He is giving you! May God’s peace wash over you right now, Amen! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Molly
So well communicated and paise he Lord you are looking for how to be taught from the Lord through all this. He never leaves us and He is going to work all this for good because you love Him and have been called according to His purpose. His word is still true and He is still good. I am praying these specific things you listed–thank you for courageously sharing. I’m praying for peace and rest and joy for your precious family. Gal 6:9. Do not give up. You are still being salt and light as you’re walking through this valley. Our faith is increased by your testimony. ❤️👏
Sandie
I don’t know what to say. Truly, I don’t know what to say. My heart breaks reading your blog. Please know that Lee and I are praying.
Stepherella
Thank you so much! Prayer is the best thing anyone could possibly do, so we appreciate it more than I can express! <3
Sharon
Keeping all of you in my prayers. Brayden is a strong young man. Thank you
For your beautiful update❤️❤️
Tom Parker
Brayden where do I even start. Well I guess I’ll start here buddy just know that I have been praying for you and your family to make it through this tough and difficult time. I can’t even imagine what your mother is experiencing. But just so you guys know the Lord has got you guys in this chaotic Covid times along side with what’s going on with you. I wish for one moment that I could come and hang out with you good old times in the break room. I miss chatting with you about your passion for dirtbikes, Guns and oh let’s definitely not forget about your plans for the future. Keep your head up my friend and you can make your goals. You’re gonna kick the sickness right in the butt.
Shawnie Krauter
Wow. Praying for strength for you all, for healing, and for really good moments within tbe extremely hard times.
Thank you for taking the time to share just a glimpse of what you are living daily and for asking for specific prayer. I prayed on my knees, and with tears.
I can’t imagine what it takes to submit this all to God everyday, and yet that is the only way! We know He is carrying you.
After I prayed, the chorus of this song popped in my head. It could be nothing, but maybe it will be an encouraging addition to your playlist.
https://youtu.be/9xPzTSpbYmk
Stepherella
Perfect song, Shawnie! I have always loved the simplicity of those lyrics. <3 Thank you so much for your prayers!