Catching Up – 2/12/05

I’ve been getting a lot of questions lately, so I thought I would share with you how things have been going.

I did have my last chemo treatment on January 31! It is so nice to be done with those and the side effects caused by Taxol. It will take awhile for it to be out of my system, but I already have so much more energy.

Last week, I transferred to Covington for the continuation of my care. It’s so great to drive 5 minutes instead of 45! Herceptin is the drug that I will continue getting each week until the end of October. It’s not chemo, but is an antibody that targets cells that over-express a protein called HER2-neu, for which I tested positive. Basically, this protein makes cancer cells especially aggressive and causes them to rapidly reproduce. The Herceptin will help to kill any cells that could have broken off and gone to other areas of my body. As far as we know, that didn’t happen, so this is more precautionary than anything, especially since we believe the cancer was gone after surgery!

I have to be honest with you all and share how I’ve been feeling the past couple of weeks. Many of you have expressed your excitement (thank you!) over my last chemo treatment and you may have wondered why I didn’t share in the excitement to the same degree. I have had a lot of mixed feelings about it. While I am, foremost, happy to be alive (!), I have so many misgivings about being ‘done’. To some degree, it is scary not to be getting chemo because it means I’m not proactively ‘fighting’ it (even though there isn't anything there to fight). Logically, I know that I attacked the cancer very aggressively and have done everything possible. I just haven’t had much success at making my concerns agree with my mind! Even as I say, “I’ve done everything possible,” I am thinking, “Does that mean we don’t have anything left if it were to return??” This also is an illogical thought, but it’s still there in my head.

One other issue I am processing is the fact that although I am done with chemo, I am not back to ‘myself’. It prevents me from really feeling ‘done’. My image in the mirror still looks foreign to me, I have gained more weight than I lost initially, my nails have all broken off at the quick, and my toenails are in the process of falling off (a reaction to Taxol). I have gone through menopause in a period of 5 months (which may be permanent) and have the mood swings to prove it!

I am sharing these thoughts with you because I hope it will help you understand the struggle that goes on with anyone who is being treated for cancer. I am in no way whining or wallowing in my sorrows. I look at this as one more way to relate to others in their suffering and to add to my compassion bank, which I know God is going to use through me. I firmly believe that God is still on the throne! The sufferings of this life are temporary and cannot even be compared to what I will experience when I am in His presence someday. He gives me glimpses of His glory through worship, His Word, and those around me that daily bless me with their love.

As I’ve done since the very beginning of this journey, I have turned to God’s Word as my comfort. I am memorizing Psalm 91 because I believe God gave that Psalm to me in high school for this very purpose. I have had to remind myself of all the assurances I had in July and just hang on to them. God has big plans for me and I know He wants me to carry them out to benefit others and bring Him glory.

Please be praying for my upcoming surgery. We have run into some issues with our insurance company and just need to quickly get the approval process done so that surgery can actually happen on March 11.

Also, please pray that I will not forget to hang on to God’s promises for me. I don’t want to be consumed with worry because I know that will hinder my effectiveness and my joy in life. Pray that my feelings will catch up with my mind!

I’ve decided I’m tired of wearing hats. Of course, it’s raining and cold today, so I’ll have to wear something when I go outside. But, I’m mostly going hatless now. The comfort level has finally outweighed the funny looks I get from people!

Thank you for your prayers. I hope you have a wonderful Valentine’s Day, but even more, I hope you realize the love that God has for you!